Fic: We Don't Have to Explain It. Bart/Carol, Bart/Tim, Deadpool. PG-13.

[museofspeed]

Title: We Don't Have to Explain It.
Fandom: DC/Marvel
Characters: Deadpool, Bob Agent of HYDRA, Weasel, Irene Merryweather, Cable, Kon, Bart/Tim, Bart/Carol.
Prompt: For fanfic100: 17. Brown, for wtf27: 21. Doppelganger, for random_30: 010. The what with the what?, for marvel_drabbles: 01. Fingers, and for dcu_freeforall: 37. Magic
Word Count: 3200
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Carol and Tim both have a thing for Bart. Deadpool narrates. Well, mostly.
Author's Notes: Hey, feebs! Deadpool, here! I duct taped Shana to a chair again (in REVENGE, but you'll learn about that later). Anywho, I got some stuff to say! First of all, like that beta chick, julius12 said, "Fourth wall got busted so hard it doesn't know what hit it. It's lying in the street asking if anyone got the truck number." So yeah, consider yourself warned. Also, second_batgirl? This is partly your fault, so you better be happy! Or, you know, run and hide before they get sick of throwing the rocks and rotting fruit at Shana and decide to turn on you. Just thought I'd warn you! Oh, also, there isn't much plot. Mainly because SOMEONE kept going off topic. Oh, wait, that's me, isn't it? It's brilliant, go read it.



You may wonder how I know everything I'm about to tell you.

Now, I could feed you a tale about how I temporarily mind swapped with my psychic buddy Cable, or it was a new manifestation of my mutant powers, but really?

If I narrate, that's one more prompt on a table filled.

So how do I know this story?

I'm going to point to the last unused prompt on the dcu_freeforall prompt table. Do you see what that says?

That's right. Number 37, magic. And do you know what that means?

We don't have to explain it.

Our story begins in a cave near Happy Harbors, Rhode Island…oh, right.

Hi, I'm Deadpool, if you hadn't figured it out already.

Now, pay attention. I'm not going to break the fourth wall again.

So, this cave is the not-so-secret headquarters of the now-mostly-dead super team Young Justice. They're kind of like the Young Avengers, only not quite as angsty. Or nubile. Ah, Wiccan and Hulkling…

Where was I? Oh, yes. So, one of the heroes, Impulse, had brought his girlfriend to the cave. Only she wasn't actually his girlfriend. They were just friends. Ha! That's like saying me and Irene Merryweather are just friends. Everyone knows we're destined for each other. It just hasn't been written yet. (Oy! Fangirl in the corner! Stop with the dumb Cable/Me that no one cares about. Me and Irene! She's so much hotter than some techno-organic weirdo! Aw, damn, I broke the fourth wall again, didn't I? Someone get the duct tape!)

I'm getting nowhere, here. So we've got Impulse, who for absolutely no reason at all we shall refer to as "Bart." Not that that's his name or anything. I don't know his name. It's a secret.

Then there's his not-girlfriend, who we shall call "Carol." See notes above.

Now, the Justice Cave was usually a very busy place. Today it was less so. Today, the only person in the Justice Cave beside Bart and Carol was Robin, the pantsless wonder himself.

Oh, this is the one who wears pants? That's not fair! I thought I was narrating a story about a guy without pants!

Fine, fine, but you owe me! Robin, who we shall now refer to as "Alvin" for no other reason but to identify him more easily, et cetera, et cetera, you get it, he's in the Justice Cave with our friends Bart and Carol.

Now, Alvin and Bart, they also weren't dating. You know, a lot like me and Cable aren't dating. (There, are you happy, fangirl? Now write me/Irene!)

So we got two people who aren't dating Bart, and who kinda want to bone him. Well, I imagine Carol didn't want to bone him, since she's a girl and all. She probably wanted him to bone her. Then again, who knows? She always struck me as kinda butch.

Now here's the thing. Carol and Alvin are very similar to each other. Both very smart, both geeks, both got brown hair and glasses, both were pretty snarky, and like I said, both wanted Bart's lithe ass. Hee, I love that word. lithe. It sounds so tight and sexy. Am I lithe? I really want to be lithe.

Bart may have been the fastest kid alive, but he was really, really slow in the brain ifyaknowwhatImean. So he hadn't noticed the extremely obvious lust his buddies held for him. Alvin and Carol were much better at noticing these things. So they knew from the moment they saw each other and how Bart acted around each other that here was a rival for Bart's affection.

And of course, they both wanted to impress Bart.

Now, how would they do this? A cage fight in bikinis? I wish. Maybe then this stupid thing would be worth narrating. I DEMAND ROBIN IN A BIKINI!

Fine, fine. No, they decided to play each other in chess. I know it's boring. Don't worry! It gets awesome!

So Bart was beginning to worry that bringing Carol to the Cave was a bad idea. She and Alvin weren't getting along as well as he'd thought they would. In fact, it was kind of downright disastrous. He thought Alvin was gonna stab Carol with a bishop any minute. Those things are pointy! I once sat on one…not fun. But Carol was glaring just as intently and they were facing off in a terrifyingly intense way. Seriously, he kept reminding them it was just a game. Not that Carol or Alvin would recognize that very simple fact.

Game ended in a draw, go figure.

Then Superboy flew in.

"Aw, geeze, just kiss already!" he shouted.

"What?" Bart said, dashing over to Superboy. Remember what I said? Fastest boy, not so quick on the uptake? "Rob and Carol? They're not…I mean, each other? They don't see each other like that!" he glanced over at them. "Do they?"

Superboy rolled his eyes. "No, Imp. Them and you. Geeze, you're kind of slow for the fastest kid alive."

Very funny, Superboy. That joke's been done!

"Huh?" Bart said.

"What are you talking about?" Carol said quickly.

"Don't be ridiculous, Superboy," Alvin said.

"Duh," Superboy said. "Bart, Carol and Rob both want your lithe speedster ass, but both are too shy to say it."

I seriously don't like this kid. He's taking all my best lines.

"Superboy," Alvin said menacingly, standing up with his cape around him like an adorable miniature bat.

"That's not any of your business!" Carol said.

But even Bart wasn't a total idiot. He was looking at Carol and Alvin and thinking about a dozen things that suddenly made a lot more sense. Like, you know, why they both liked his costume so much. And always looked at his ass. And tried to cop feels.

What? Okay, I don't have any proof but it had to have happened! Spandex, people! Don't leave a lot to the imagination! I know, I know, you look at me and think that my Nightwing can't possibly be all the real deal, but it is, and it's bigger than any of the people's in the story. Hey! Wait! I'm not done! You can't take the keybaakls;fd



Um, is this thing on? Hi, it's Bob. I'm an agent of HYDRA HAIL HYDRA! Sorry, I do that sometimes. Brainwashing. Okay, let's see if I can get caught up here. Apparently I'm supposed to do this just like one of my blog entries, only first I have to get through the mess of the story Deadpool wrote. Seriously, why didn't you call me sooner? Wade's a really terrific guy, but he has no sense of storytelling. And he always talks about how I'm not real. Does he know how much that can hurt my feelings?

Well, I know he really cares, deep inside. Really deep inside.

What? Wait, no! I'll tell your story!

Right, so where we last left off, Bart had just realized that Carol and Alvin both liked him. Why are we calling him Alvin, again? It says right here that his real name is

*error*

Alvin, it is! Sorry, scary green computer lady!

Let's just get to the story, okay?

"Guys?" Bart said. "Do you really…y'know…like me?"

"It's not important," Ti – I mean, Alvin, said.

"Yeah, it is!" Bart said. "It's really important!"

"Bart," Carol said. "I've…felt strongly about you for a long time. But it's not just about lust or anything. I don't want to do anything you don't want to do."

"Oh, puh-leeze," Superboy said. "Stop dancing around it, guys. Geeze, and they wonder why I've had more girlfriends in the few years I've been alive than Rob has in the many, many more he's had."

"Bart, I do like you," Alvin said. "Want to go out with me?"

"No, Bart, don't date him!" Carol said.

"Why?" Bart asked, looking at her shyly.

"Because," Carol took a deep breath. "I want you to date me."

"Great, finally," Superboy said. "My work here is done." He flew off.

"You both like me," Bart said, sounding pleased. "Wait," he said, sounding a little less pleased. "You both like me."

"Bart?" Alvin said.

"Igottago," Bart said, vanishing at superspeed.

Poor kid. It's so hard to have two attractive people wanting him. Geeze, what's wrong with him? Okay, I can appreciate the strategy of running away when stressed. But come on! He missed a perfect chance for a threesome! What's wrong with him?

Okay, where were we? Right, Carol and Alvin looked at each other.

"He's mine," Carol said. "I've known him longer."

"I've worked with him more," Alvin said.

Um, wait a second. How strong is that duct tape? Uh, Wade's free. No, wait, I can explain! I didn't want to take your place telling the story! HAIL HYDRA! CUT OFF ONE HEAD, TWO MORE WILL TAKE ITS aaaargghhh



Why did Bob type out aaaargghhh? That's just weird. Well, back to your regularly scheduled Deadpool! At least until people notice I knocked out Bob and took back the keyboard.

So, what happened while I was gone?

Aw, man! Bob sucks! I wanted to tell the part about threesomes! He's married! He doesn't get to be excited about threesomes.

And what does he mean, scary green computer lady? And they say I'm the crazy one.

Carol and Alvin glared heatedly at each other.

"He's mine," Carol said. "I've known him longer."

"I've worked with him more," Alvin said. "He'll choose me. I was trained by Batman."

"From what I hear, that isn't exactly an argument in your favor when it comes to relationships," Carol said. "Bart told me that you Bats have no social life."

"You haven't met Nightwing."

Hahaha, Nightwing's a slut. Seriously, who hasn't he had sex with? I'll tell you who, me! (See that, fangirl? Get on it! You've written Slade/Dick fics! Just change the SL to a W and add more talking!)

"We could play chess again to decide," Carol said.

"I'd beat you," Alvin said. "I was going easy the first time."

"Funny," Carol said. "So was I."

See, neither of them were left-handed!

Suddenly, two glowing, golden copies of Bart zoomed into the cave and…

Wait just a minute.

Now, I like to think I know as much about Impulse as the next Marvel character. This doesn't make any sense! Impulse didn't get his scouts until long after this point in Young Justice history! And Carol was gone by that point too! Sent to the future!

I demand continuity! I – hey!



Bob's knocked out, Deadpool's duct taped to a chair, and now it's up to me to write this? I'm not sure how happy I am about this. I'm called Weasel. I'm much better at mechanical things than writing. I'm really not the guy you want for this job. Seriously.

Also, are we sure Wade won't kill me for this? I mean, we're friends, sure, but Wade's definition of friends is a little…bloody. Did you know he kept a blind old lady locked up in his apartment for years?

There better be a lot of alcohol for me after I'm done with this. I wouldn’t mind if it started coming before I finished.

So the two Scouts showed up in what, I might add, is a brilliant example of when it's a great time to ignore continuity.

"Hey Carol! Tim!" One of them said.

"We're supposed to take you to the Boss!" the other said. "He wants…"

"To talk to you!"

"Come on!"

"Um," Alvin said.

"I'm used to them," Carol said, a little smugly. "Hello, Scouts. Where is he?"

"Come on! We'll…"

"Take you there!"

The two scouts picked Carol and Alvin up off the ground and whisked them away at superspeed. In a few seconds, they were in front of Bart.

"That was…interesting," Alvin said.

"Bart!" Carol said. "Are you okay?"

"Uh huh," Bart said. "Get in here, you two."

"But boss!" One of the Scouts said.

"Don't call me boss!" Bart said.

"Okay, boss!" the Scouts said together.

Bart rolled his eyes. "In. Now."

Wait, I have to know how those are made. I mean, I assume it's got something to do with the Speedforce, but there should be a way to duplicate it, right? Maybe with one of those lightning rods…how do they work again? I keep meaning to travel forward and across dimensions and…um…borrow that one Brainiac 5 has to see how it works. I bet I could build one pretty easily.

Wait, what do you mean that's not on topic? Look, it's your story! I'm just in it for the booze! So let me focus on the parts that are interesting, alright?

Fine, I quit. I can find drinks on my own.



Why me? I have important things to be doing, you know!

Well, of course I'm a better storyteller than those nitwits. I'm Irene Merryweather. Just because I've quit reporting doesn't mean I don't still know how to do it.

Fine. But just because I can see what a terrible mess those three have already made of the story.

Bart reabsorbed the Scouts and looked at his two friends. "I love both of you," he said. "You're both my best friends, and I don't want to lose either of you."

"You have to choose, Bart," Carol said.

"Uh, okay," Bart pointed from one to the other. "Eeny, meeny, miney, mo – "

Alvin caught his finger. "Not like that."

"Then how?" Bart said. "Carol, you're like, the best friend in the world and you're always so smart and awesome, but Rob, you're also smart and stuff and really intimidating in a sexy way, and I don't want to choose!"

This better not be going where it looks like it's going. I refuse to write about threesomes. They just don't work out in real life.

And no, I will not say how I know that.

…I thought Deadpool was ducttaped to a chair.

Ugh, that's disgusting, Wilson. Please, put on some pants!

Okay, I quit.



Ha! No woman can stand before my sexual wiles! Just one look at little 'Pool and the beautiful Irene was just awestruck. Probably because little 'Pool isn't little at all. In fact, it'd be more appropriate to say big 'Pool. But talking about little 'Pool is what got me kicked out of narrating this thing to begin with. So I'll just go on with the story, shall I?

What, you're not gonna tell me? I'll be good!

Fine! You aren't going to get anyone else to tell it either! Ha! I have the computer and no one else can write on it!

While I'm waiting for them to inevitably get Cable and his not-tactile telekinesis, let's discuss all the possible ways this story could end up. That way, no matter what ending they actually use, we can claim not to be surprised because we saw it coming the entire time! Ha!

First, let's go with my favorite ending: The threesome. It's perfect! Everyone wins! Bart doesn't have to pick, and both Carol and Alvin get some hot speedster lovin'! Seriously, can we go with that?

Then there's the Bart ends up with Carol thing. Alvin can have that hot blonde girl he's always hanging out with. You know, what's her name?

Okay, yeah, there are a lot of hot blond girls in the world. I'm talking about the one who wears sunglasses on her head all the time.

Bernard! That's her name!

What? There is no way she's a guy. She's way too pretty.

Geeze, don't I feel dumb now. And maybe a little gay. But I swear, ladies, it's just because he reminded me of some of the more nubile Young Avengers! I still stick strictly to women when it comes to sex! Swear!

Anyway, other situations. Bart goes with Alvin and Carol can have Superboy!

If she can get over him talking about his tactile telekinesis all the time. Seriously, doesn't that kid ever shut up?

Or they could just all have an orgy. Superboy and Bernard included. Wonder Girl and Arrowette and Secret can come too.

Aww, man! Nate's here, time for me to skedaddle before they ducttape me up again. I love ducttape, but seriously, enough's enough. I think we should see other people.

Alright, they want the story so much…catch!



Figures. Wade's insane, Bob is unconscious, Weasel is drunk, and Irene is out for Wade's head. I guess it makes sense that I'd be the one they turn to last to finish the story.

Don't worry, I'm not going to add any unnecessary commentary like some other narrators. I'm strictly text only.

"Look," Bart said. "You're both hot, you're both smart, you're both awesome friends. I don't know what to do!"

"Bart," Carol said. "I just…no matter who you choose, I'll still be your friend. Nothing can change that."

"Me too," Alvin promised. "And my teammate. I don't want things to be…unnecessarily awkward in team meetings because of this."

Bart looked from one to the other.

"Robin," he said finally.

Alvin looked up. "Yeah?" he said hopefully.

"Look, I really like you, and you're hot and smart and stuff," Bart said. "But I don't even know your name! I've never seen your face!"

"I can change that," Alvin said. "I'll ask Batman – "

Bart shook his head. "Sorry, but no. Even if you do, you'll keep secrets. You'll always keep secrets from me, cause you're a Bat. So I love you, and I hope you find someone else, but I'm gonna stick with Carol, sorry."

Alvin nodded. "I – I understand."

Bart hugged him. "Thanks, Rob."

"Yeah," Robin said quietly.

Bart grinned at him and another Scout popped out. "Take Robin back to HQ, okay?"

"Sure, boss!" the Scout said.

"And don't call me…never mind," Bart said. "You okay, Rob? You'll find someone. I promise. Someone more patient than me."

Alvin nodded. "Sure, I'll be fine."

Bart and Carol were left standing without the other two, smiling goofily at each other.

"Hi," Bart said shyly.

"Hi," Carol said.

"So," Bart said. "Wanna go somewhere? Like, on a date? I hear Italy's nice this time of year."

Carol laughed. "That sounds great, Bart."

He scooped her up and ran, barely watching where he was going. He was too busy looking at Carol in his arms.



That's it? That's where they're ending it! Ugh, leave it to Nate to make such an interesting story end up boring. Where are the threesomes? I demand hot threesomes!

Geeze, next time I'm writing it all myself. Then it'd be a cool story. I didn't even get to add the part about robot Vikings! Tell me it wouldn't have been more awesome with robot Vikings.

Oh yeah, it's Deadpool again. It's three in the morning and everyone else is asleep so I'm improving the story. Hopefully they won't notice.

Also, it was a dumb story and everyone who worked on it who wasn't me sucks.

Okay.

That's it.

But next story better have a damn threesome!