Fic: With Great Powers Comes Great Sex. Bernard/Tim. R.

[museofspeed]

Title: With Great Powers Comes Great Sex
Fandom: Teen Titans
Characters: Bernard/Tim, Bart/Tim/Kon, Bart/Tim/Kon/Cassie, Kon/Cassie
Prompt: fanfic100: 83. And, dcu_freeforall: 26. phasing (through objects).
Word Count: 2700
Rating: R
Summary: Bernard's going to meet Tim's friends. The Titans have some pretty interesting stories about Tim.
Author's Notes: Oh, man, I'm pretty sure this started from a conversation with aravistarkheena, but it was a while ago and now it might have been felonazcorp. In either case, I'll dedicate it to both of them because I'm sure I discussed it with both of them. Thanks as always to the awesome julius12 for beta-ing! This fic is cracky. Very, very cracky.



"I'm in the Robinmobile," Bernard said.

"Your ability to state the obvious continues to astound me," Tim says. "Though I told you, it's called the Redbird."

"But it bothers you more to call it the Robinmobile," Bernard said, flashing him a grin. "So I get to go meet all of your friends?"

"Yes. Which was not my idea. Superboy and Kid Flash refused to leave me alone until I promised to introduce you to them."

"I like them already. Superboy, hmm? I used to have a poster of him on my wall."

Tim aimed a bat-glare at him. "Behave yourself, Bernard. He's straight."

Bernard laughed and ruffled Tim's hair. "You're cute when you're irrationally jealous."

"I'm serious, Bernard. My friends are…a lot to take in."

"So am I," Bernard said.

"You don't have superpowers."

"That's not what you said last night…"

Tim glared at him again. Then his communicator beeped.

"No talking," he said quickly. "Hello? B? But it's a weekend! Titans time! Well, if it's really urgent – no, of course I'll be there. I'll just call my friends – yes. Yes. Robin out."

"What was that about?" Bernard asked.

"Batman needs me. Guess the meeting's off."

"Aww, I wanted to meet Superboy and…is that Kid Flash?"

"What?" Tim looked out the window. Sure enough, Kid Flash was running along next to the Redbird. Tim glared and rolled down the window.

"What do you want, Bart?" he asked.

"Hi!" Kid Flash said. "Uh, shouldn't you be not saying my name in front of civilians?"

"Bernard knows who I am, he can know who you are. It’s like how Linda knows all Wally's friends."

"I can?" Bernard said. Tim aimed another Bat-glare at him. Bernard wondered if glaring so much hurt.

"Oh," Kid Flash said. "Hi Bernard! We saw you were coming and came over!"

"But we're not coming anymore," Tim said. "Batman."

"Aww," Kid Flash frowned a little, then brightened. "Can we hang out with Bernard, then?"

"Without me?" Tim said, sounding alarmed.

"Yeah, man, it'd be cool!" Bernard turned around. Superboy was flying next to his window.

"What the hell are you doing, Kon?" Tim snapped. He turned and pulled over to the side of the road. He got out of the car and motioned Bernard to follow.

"Geeze, don't explode, Boy Wonder. We were eager to meet the Boyfriend Wonder."

"Have I ever told you how funny you aren't?"

Superboy smirked. "Let us take Bernard, you do your Bat-thing, then come meet us later. Easy."

"No. Absolutely not," Tim said.

"Aw, come on!" Superboy said.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Bernard asked.

"No," Superboy and Tim said together.

"They never give me a say either," Kid Flash said, suddenly standing next to Bernard with an elbow on Bernard's shoulder. "Wanna do something about it?"

"I – what?" Bernard said.

Kid Flash flashed a grin and suddenly Bart found himself in Kid Flash's arms and moving at close to the speed of light.

"What? Put me down! Where are you taking me?"

"Kon'llexplaineverythingtoTimandwe'llhangoutandit'llbefun!" Kid Flash said.

"I can't understand a word you're say…AAAH!" They were running up something that was suspiciously vertical. "Where are you taking me?"

Suddenly, the world went back to being normal and they were on a roof.

"Kon'll catch up after he convinces Robin this is a good idea," Kid Flash said.

"And who's going to convince me it's a good idea?" Bernard said.

"Hold on," Kid Flash said. And suddenly he was gone.

Bernard sat down and called Tim on his cell phone.

"Hello?" Tim said. "Bernard?"

"Your friends are insane!" Bernard yelled.

"Yes, yes, they are – Kon! Having super hearing does not mean you should use it! Look, Bernard, I'll – no, Bart, you cannot talk to him. Do you mind? Because you already have the weekend – I am not giving in! I'm asking Bernard's opinion because I trust and respect his – Sorry, Bernard – Kon, pull your pants back up, it isn't helping – Bernard, do you want to stay?"

"Um," Bernard said. "Sure. How hard can it be?"

"Fine," Tim said. "I'll be there by Saturday. It's just one night. Behave!"

"I will!" Bernard said. "Honestly, I'm a bit offended that you think you have to tell me."

"I wasn't talking to you," Tim said darkly. "See you soon, Bernard."

"Later, Drake," Bernard said. He shut off the phone and turned around.

A green elephant was staring at him.

"Um," Bernard said.

"What?" the elephant said. "Who are you?"

"…not to be the one to bring up the elephant in the room," Bernard said.

The green elephant turned into a green boy. "Happy?"

"…somewhat," Bernard said. "Where exactly am I?"

"Titans Tower, obviously. Big T shape should give it away."

"It doesn't look like a T from the roof!" Bernard said. "And Kid Flash was moving too fast for me to see it before we got here!"

"You still haven't told me who you are," the green boy said.

"Nor have you," Bernard said.

"If the lovely green tone of my skin didn't tip you off, the name's Gar Logan. Beast Boy?"

"Ah, I probably should have guessed that," Bernard said. "I'm Bernard."

"Tim's Bernard?" Beast Boy said, smirking suddenly.

"Um, yes?"

Beast Boy pushed open the door. "Hey, guys! Tim's boyfriend's on the roof!"

Wonder Girl and Starfire shot out of the door. Cyborg followed pretty quickly.

"Bernard?" Wonder Girl said. "Hi, I'm Cassie! And I think it's great that the two of you found each other."

"Er, thanks," Bernard said.

"If you ever need pointers on lovemaking feel free to ask me," Starfire said. "Call me Kory."

"…I'll keep that in mind," Bernard said, trying very hard to keep images of Starfire giving him pointers from his head.

"I'm Vic," Cyborg said, holding out a hand. "Welcome to the tower."

"Didwemisstheparty?" Kid Flash asked, appearing on the roof all of a sudden with Superboy flying behind him.

"Bernard's here!" Wonder Girl said. "Tim's Bernard!"

"We already met him," Superboy said.

"Yeah, we kidnapped him!" Kid Flash said.

"Kidnapping's illegal, Bart," Wonder Girl said. "If he wants to go home, we have to let him."

"NononoTimwasbringing him here and thenhehadtogosowetookhimandhe'sokaywithitrightBernard?" Kid Flash said.

"Um," Bernard said. "What?"

Wonder Girl rolled her eyes. "Do you want to be here, Bernard? Because I'll take you home if you don't. Never mind these two hooligans."

"No, no, I'm fine," Bernard said.

"Are you sure?" Wonder Girl asked. "Really, don't need to feel pressured about it."

"No really, I'm okay. I promise," Bernard said.

"Come on! We'll show you the tower!" Kid Flash said, grabbing Bernard's arm.

"Cool, I'll help," Gar said.

"Nah, we can do it," Superboy said. He touched Bart's arm and Bernard felt something lift the two of them into the air.

"What the hell?" Bernard said.

"That's my patented TTK," Superboy said. "Cool, ain't it?"

"No one cares, Conner," Wonder Girl said. She flew after them into the Tower. "We're taking him to Tim's room, right?"

"Of course," Superboy said. "You stole the code to disable security, right?"

"What do you take me for?" Wonder Girl scoffed. "Of course I did."

"Wait, we're breaking into his room? I'm not sure how comfortable I am with this."

"We do it all the time!" Kid Flash said. "Tim expects it by now."

"It's kinda a test thingy," Superboy said. "We break into the room, he ups security, we get better at breaking into places, and he gets better security. We all win!"

"And it's fun!" Kid Flash said.

"You have a strange idea of fun," Bernard said.

"So I always tell them," Wonder Girl said. "It's three one four one five nine."

"Pi," Bernard said. "Drake is such a geek."

Superboy entered the code. The pad short-circuited and Superboy yanked his hand back.

"Aghh!" he said. "What gives?"

"Nice try, Kon," an automated voice said. "And Wonder Girl, I expected better of you."

"How did he know that?" Bernard said.

"Yeah!" Wonder Girl said. "I'm not that predictable!"

"Fine," Superboy said. "Bart, vibrate through and let us in."

"Sure," Kid Flash said. He grinned, walked through the wall, and opened the door.

"I'm surprised he hasn't put up a safeguard against that one," Wonder Girl said. "It's the one we usually end up using anyway."

"Like I said, he totally doesn't mind," Superboy said. He led Bernard through and shut the door.

"…what about the tour?" Bernard asked.

Superboy waved a hand dismissively. "It's off for now. So tell me, has he sucked you yet?"

Bernard blinked at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"Kon!" Wonder Girl said.

"What?" Superboy said. "We were all wondering!"

"I fail to see how it's any of your business," Bernard said.

"I read a book on psychology!" Kid Flash said. "Well, several of them. That means either he did it and he's ashamed about it, or he didn't do it and he wants us to think he did. Or he did it and doesn't want to talk about. Or – "

"Thanks, Bart, very helpful," Superboy said.

"Personally I think he did it," Bart said. "Tim totally puts out."

"True," Superboy said, "We all know how much Tim likes sucking cock."

"That's my boyfriend you're talking about!" Bernard said, indignantly.

"Oh, they've slept together too," Wonder Girl said, smirking.

"What?" Bernard flushed. "Isn't this the kind of thing you should be interrogating Tim about?"

"Oh, he'd never tell us," Wonder Girl said. "And he's actually good about keeping secrets."

"And you expect I will?"

"No," Kid Flash said. "We expect you to be easier to read. Did he do the thing with his tongue where he kind of swirls it?"

"What?" Bernard asked, whirling on Kid Flash.

"Oh, I love that!" Superboy said. "Cassie taught him that one, right?"

"No, he taught me," Wonder Girl said.

"…did you all have sex with my boyfriend or are you just screwing around with me?"

"It's complicated," Wonder Girl said.

"Not really," Superboy said. "Yeah, we had sex."

"I was trying to be tactful," Wonder Girl said.

Bernard gave Superboy an accusing look. "Tim said you were straight."

"I am straight!" Superboy said. "Rob's my exception."

"And?" Kid Flash said.

Superboy flashed him a grin. "Bart's my other exception."

"And?" Kid Flash said again.

Superboy rolled his eyes. "I've told you, when Cassie got turned into a guy doesn't count since I was a girl at the time and therefore it was straight."

"No, I meant Ray," Kid Flash said.

"I never had sex with Ray!" Superboy said.

"Wish you had," Wonder Girl said. "That would have been really, really hot."

"Wouldn't it have been?" Kid Flash said.

"And they say I'm the pervert," Superboy said.

"Maybe we can recruit him," Wonder Girl said. "I mean, Tim doesn't join us anymore."

"I should hope not," Bernard said. "So what, all the Titans just have orgies all the time? What about stopping crime?"

"Ha! You're a poet and you don't even know it!" Kid Flash said.

Superboy grabbed Kid Flash and ruffled his hair. "It's not all orgies," he said. "Or all Titans. For a long time it was just me and Bart and Tim, and not when any of us were seeing anyone else, just when we felt we needed to burn some energy or whatever."

"The first time happened when we fought Poison Ivy when Gotham was No Man's Land!" Kid Flash said. "Batman knows about that one. He gave us the anti-sex-pollen juice."

"Tim doesn't like to talk about that," Superboy said, smirking.

"Yeah, and you idiots never invited me to join you!" Wonder Girl said.

"I've apologized for that tons of times, Cass!" Superboy said.

"Cassie only started playing with us when she and Kon started dating," Bart said. "We thought Kon was gonna stop, but turns out Cassie's cool about that kind of thing."

"Or crazy," Wonder Girl said. "Mostly I suspect it's that. Willingly dealing with all three of you? Must be crazy or stupid."

"I think you're all crazy," Bernard said, sitting down. "How the hell am I supposed to measure up to three superpowered people?"

"Don't worry," Kid Flash said. "He's crazy about you."

"Wouldn't shut up," Wonder Girl said.

"It was kinda annoying," Superboy said.

"Still," Bernard said. "I mean, I'm not that experienced. I don't know what the hell I'm doing half the time! And he's so secretive – why am I telling you this?"

"Because we're cool and easy to talk to?" Kid Flash suggested.

"Me, I think Cassie's secretly got mind control," Superboy said, flying over to her and throwing an arm around her. "Either that or she secretly put her golden bondage rope of truth around you."

"Conner, I've told you so many times that it doesn't work like Diana's rope! And it is not meant for bondage!" Wonder Girl said.

"Tim liked it when you tied him up with it!" Kid Flash said.

"Oh yeah, he loves being held down," Superboy said. "That's why tactile telekinesis is the sexiest superpower."

"He also loves vibrations!" Kid Flash said. "Lots and lots of them! He said I give better blow jobs than you!"

"You know it's best when you guys work together," Wonder Girl said.

"I so don't want to hear this," Bernard moaned. Then he thought about it. "Wait, yes I do. Any other pointers you can give me?"

Kid Flash beamed and vanished for less than a second before blurring into the room with a notebook.

"I told Kon it was a good idea to take notes!" he said.

Bernard took the notebook hesitantly. It had Robin written out in big letters on the cover, and it was decorated with R's and W's and S-shields and Flash symbols.

The first page had two outlines of a body, one labeled front and back. Kid Flash had noted which areas elicited the best responses.

The rest of the book was filled with descriptions of various things they'd tried and how much Tim had liked them.

"Ah, are you sure you want to give this to me?" Bernard said.

"Don't see why not," Kid Flash said. "We've all got a copy. I can write really quickly. I've got one for Kon, Cassie, and me too! Though Cassie took the notes on me. I was a little busy. Want to see?"

"That's…not necessary," Bernard said. "Thank you," he added. "This'll be very interesting reading."

Superboy smirked. "I'll bet it will," he said. "We can finish that tour if you want."

"Yes, thanks," Bernard said. He smiled as they left Tim's room. The Titans took some getting used to, but he thought they were pretty cool. Strange sexual practices aside.



Tim looked as though he fully expected the Tower to be burnt to the ground.

"Drake! I've missed you so!" Bernard said, rushing out when Tim drove up. He kissed Tim right there in front of the Tower, only stopping when Cassie whistled.

"Hello, Bernard," Tim said dryly. "How was your night? Did my friends spread all sorts of lies about me?"

"On the contrary," Bernard said. "We had lovely conversations. I didn't know you were such a fan of being restrained!"

To a common observer, it looked as though Tim didn't react. Bernard, however, had put many months into trying to read Tim. He recognized the slight twitch that was Tim not blushing.

"Am I," he said carefully.

"Indeed. Your friends told me all about it."

"I would hope not everything."

"Everything," Bernard said. "Cassie's lasso, Bart's vibrations, Kon's oft-mentioned superpower…"

"I hate my friends," Tim said. "Hate them."

"They gave me a book," Bernard said.

"A book? Oh, please tell me it wasn't – "

"It was."

"They gave you Kama Sutra?"

"Oh," Bernard said. "No, it was a book full of notes Bart had taken."

"Even worse," Tim groaned.

"You sexual deviant you," Bernard said happily. "Can we participate in Titan orgies?"

"Five people is far too many for comfortable sex," Tim said. "Honestly, four was pushing it."

"Oh, you're no fun," Bernard said.

Tim smirked. "Maybe for your birthday."

"Really?" Bernard grinned. "Promise?"

"Nope. Come on, I've got to kill my friends."

Bernard followed Tim inside. That night would be very interesting indeed.

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