Sherlock Holmes is a dick.

[museofspeed]

So I've started listening to Sherlock Holmes audio books as I walk. Now, I got my audio book from Librivox, so now I think everyone there sounds like a woman from the South. It's very confusing.

So my impressions so far.

Sherlock Holmes is a dick. And Watson is his bitch.

Seriously, in the first chapter he basically told Watson that he was stupid, and by the second or third, he'd told him that he had no friends. He also thinly disguises these compliments as insults by telling Watson, for instance, that he enjoys listening to his theories because they are so dead wrong that he can immediately knock any conclusions he draws out of the realm of possibility! Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, but still! He's a dick. Oh, and in the last chapter I read? He just whored Watson out to some people who showed up! He was like, "Well, I'm too busy to go with you, but Watson'll go!" And Watson was surprised by this. Geeze, Watson, grow a pair. And leave Holmes because he is not a nice guy.

I will admit that I love the descriptions Doyle uses. He's amazing at painting with words. Far better than I am. Damn, I wish I could describe people like that.

Also, I keep hoping Holmes is wrong in any conclusion he draws because he's so damn smug!

Also, my Sherlock Holmes impression:

The part of Watson shall be played tonight by felonazcorp.

felonazcorp:Haha, how does Batman showering have anything to do with Sherlock whoring out Watson?
shananagin: Elementary, my dear Feebus.
shananagin: Sherlock Holmes is a detective, and a clean one at that.
shananagin: Therefore he bathes regularly.
felonazcorp: XD
shananagin: Batman, is also a detective, and a good one at that.
felonazcorp: And he showers!
shananagin: So what could be more appropriate?
felonazcorp: Ah, I see!
shananagin: Indeed!
shananagin: Now, go fetch my pipe and give me a foot massage while I discuss how much smarter than you I am.

On that note, I would love to read bad Holmes/Watson fic.

"Watson, I have deduced that you are attracted to me."

"But, that's amazing! How ever did you figure that out?"

"Elementary. You get hard every time I make a deduction."

Comments

[ex-felonazc.livejournal.com]

EPIC!

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

*bows*

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

There's an omnibus out there of Sherlock Holmes stories rewritten with gay sex. I have held it in my hands! But I didn't have enough money to get it at the time, and I haven't seen it since, not even in that same book/sextoy shop. :(

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

You had a gay Sherlock Holmes omnibus and you DIDN'T GET IT? Feel shame. Feel it!

Ah well. There's always my imagination, right?

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

Hey man, that was the year I couldn't afford groceries and survived by sponging food and bus change of some friends who let me live on their couch. Also, I have been kicking myself ever since.

There is your imagination. I suspect that's why you used that icon, but you know, I know a guy who was in a terrible monster movie and his role was the slather tanning oil on a big muscle guy at the beach behind the lead characters, and then scream and run away when the monster attacked. *nostalgia~*

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Damn, I guess I see you had priorities. Still...that sucks. You couldn't have stuffed it under your shirt and run? Because it would have been WORTH IT.

Nah, I used that icon because it fucking rocks. No particular reason besides that. This is the icon I'd have used if I was thinking about imagination.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

You are underestimating the massive size of this thing. it was like 3 inches thick or more. Also, the sharp-eyed cookie cutter indie lesbians manning the store would have totally noticed.

*hugs Juniour* I thought it was because that was a dream Wade had. ;3

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Yeah...but I didn't think it through very hard. Sometimes I use icons because they are shiny!

...You could have offered them blowjobs for it? Or cake? Or a combination?

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know what that's like. ;3

XD I was barely legal!

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Oh, like rushing out with it under your shirt is legal? Psh, everyone has an excuse...

Don't take my advice. It'll get you arrested.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

*patpats* Don't worry, I won't. If I get so much as a speeding ticket, I'm fired. (Fortunately, I don't have a car.)

[bastet-in-april.livejournal.com]

Have you read 'The Dying Detective' yet? Holmes is particularly a dick in that story, in my opinion.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Nah, I've only read half of The Hound of Baskerville so far. Less than half.

Ooh, fun!

[aravistarkheena.livejournal.com]

One of my favorite things about Sherlock is that he's kind of a dick. He's smart and he knows he's smart.

He also loves screwing with Watson.

I'm assuming you're reading Baskervilles and trust me, the dickery gets even worse and Watson gets even more emo.

The thing is, even though Holmes is kind of a dick and Watson is a big push over who occasionally resents him, they still love each other dearly. When one of them is injured or ill the other is completely devoted to him and worried to death.

You should read the Memoirs, it shows how deep their friendship is far better than Baskervilles.

[aravistarkheena.livejournal.com]

Also, I can upload some better recordings for you. Just ask when you're ready.

They're read by British men.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

First of all, yes, but...I'd hate to talk with him. He reminds me of this guy I know. Come to think of it, he reminds me a little of me (only moreso), and I hate people who remind me of myself. Especially when said people are smarter than me by far. Bastard.

Yes, I'm reading Baskervilles, and I'm enjoying it. Emo Watson? Please let it have to do with Holmes angst.

Well, I've got a long winter and an ipod! I certainly could read it!

Oooh, that would be awesome. Maybe after Baskervilles since I'm getting used to my friend the lady with a southern drawl.

[cold-nostalgia.livejournal.com]

I haven't read any of the Sherlock Holmes in years so I don't really remember him being that much of a dick. I do remember his little coke problem though.

I'll really have to read them again at some stage.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

I didn't know about the coke problem. Some friends filled me in, though. This is the first time I'm reading it.

I'm enjoying it, though!

[cissie-king.livejournal.com]

I haven't read much Holmes, sadly. But if you like detective stories, give G.K. Chesterton a try. Chesterton's detectives are far nicer. The only problem with Chesterton is that he was a crazy old racist and he would start ranting against black people or the Jews at the drop of a hat. But give 'The Man who was Thursday' a try. As far as I remember it had no racism in it.

About Holmes' obvious closeted homosexuality, there is a good piece about that in one of the annotations for League of the Extraordinary Gentlemen. I'll see if I can find it later.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

I'm not all that into detective stories. Though I did loved Encyclopedia Brown back in the day. I'm mostly just reading these because the combined might of aravistarkheena and felonazcorp convinced me.

Oooh, Holmes being gay! Awesome!

[everysecondtues.livejournal.com]

"Watson, I have deduced that you are attracted to me."

"But, that's amazing! How ever did you figure that out?"

"Elementary. You get hard every time I make a deduction."
Ahahaha. Sadly, I only know good fic for it, though I'm sure you can find it of all types on delicious.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Good fic's cool too! Link me?

[second-batgirl.livejournal.com]

Um, if you're listening to Librivox, my roommate has recorded twice as many sections as anyone else on that site (Sibella Denton) and as she IS a woman from the south, it is entirely possible that this is the reason for you assuming that. ;)

Also, Holmes/Watson for the win.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Nah, it's Laurie Anne Walden. But that'd be cool if she was!

Hee, yes!

[second-batgirl.livejournal.com]

My roommate knew exactly who you were talking about. She knows her!

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

That's so funny!

Tell your roommate to tell her that I thank her. Without her I would be so damn bored every ten minute walk to and from the dining hall.

Man, the internet is such a small place.

[relena-wolf.livejournal.com]

I adore Holmes. House is a lot like Holmes. They're smart and abrasive, but they also end up being right 99.9% of the time.

I also adore the crazy extremes Holmes is willing to go to in order to solve something. In one of the short stories he pretends to be homeless and blind, having made fake cataracts for himself. He's a resourceful old bugger.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

But he's still a bastard! I keep wanting him to be wrong.