Sherlock Holmes is a dick.

[museofspeed]

So I've started listening to Sherlock Holmes audio books as I walk. Now, I got my audio book from Librivox, so now I think everyone there sounds like a woman from the South. It's very confusing.

So my impressions so far.

Sherlock Holmes is a dick. And Watson is his bitch.

Seriously, in the first chapter he basically told Watson that he was stupid, and by the second or third, he'd told him that he had no friends. He also thinly disguises these compliments as insults by telling Watson, for instance, that he enjoys listening to his theories because they are so dead wrong that he can immediately knock any conclusions he draws out of the realm of possibility! Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, but still! He's a dick. Oh, and in the last chapter I read? He just whored Watson out to some people who showed up! He was like, "Well, I'm too busy to go with you, but Watson'll go!" And Watson was surprised by this. Geeze, Watson, grow a pair. And leave Holmes because he is not a nice guy.

I will admit that I love the descriptions Doyle uses. He's amazing at painting with words. Far better than I am. Damn, I wish I could describe people like that.

Also, I keep hoping Holmes is wrong in any conclusion he draws because he's so damn smug!

Also, my Sherlock Holmes impression:

The part of Watson shall be played tonight by felonazcorp.

felonazcorp:Haha, how does Batman showering have anything to do with Sherlock whoring out Watson?
shananagin: Elementary, my dear Feebus.
shananagin: Sherlock Holmes is a detective, and a clean one at that.
shananagin: Therefore he bathes regularly.
felonazcorp: XD
shananagin: Batman, is also a detective, and a good one at that.
felonazcorp: And he showers!
shananagin: So what could be more appropriate?
felonazcorp: Ah, I see!
shananagin: Indeed!
shananagin: Now, go fetch my pipe and give me a foot massage while I discuss how much smarter than you I am.

On that note, I would love to read bad Holmes/Watson fic.

"Watson, I have deduced that you are attracted to me."

"But, that's amazing! How ever did you figure that out?"

"Elementary. You get hard every time I make a deduction."

Comments

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

There's an omnibus out there of Sherlock Holmes stories rewritten with gay sex. I have held it in my hands! But I didn't have enough money to get it at the time, and I haven't seen it since, not even in that same book/sextoy shop. :(

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

You had a gay Sherlock Holmes omnibus and you DIDN'T GET IT? Feel shame. Feel it!

Ah well. There's always my imagination, right?

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

Hey man, that was the year I couldn't afford groceries and survived by sponging food and bus change of some friends who let me live on their couch. Also, I have been kicking myself ever since.

There is your imagination. I suspect that's why you used that icon, but you know, I know a guy who was in a terrible monster movie and his role was the slather tanning oil on a big muscle guy at the beach behind the lead characters, and then scream and run away when the monster attacked. *nostalgia~*

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Damn, I guess I see you had priorities. Still...that sucks. You couldn't have stuffed it under your shirt and run? Because it would have been WORTH IT.

Nah, I used that icon because it fucking rocks. No particular reason besides that. This is the icon I'd have used if I was thinking about imagination.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

You are underestimating the massive size of this thing. it was like 3 inches thick or more. Also, the sharp-eyed cookie cutter indie lesbians manning the store would have totally noticed.

*hugs Juniour* I thought it was because that was a dream Wade had. ;3

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Yeah...but I didn't think it through very hard. Sometimes I use icons because they are shiny!

...You could have offered them blowjobs for it? Or cake? Or a combination?

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know what that's like. ;3

XD I was barely legal!

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Oh, like rushing out with it under your shirt is legal? Psh, everyone has an excuse...

Don't take my advice. It'll get you arrested.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

*patpats* Don't worry, I won't. If I get so much as a speeding ticket, I'm fired. (Fortunately, I don't have a car.)